Reclaiming Holidays

Modern Pagans, themselves masters of cultural appropriation, will happily inform you that a great many holidays common to western civilization were utterly stolen from their wise unbroken ancestral traditions.

For example, one week from today is the Christian holiday of Easter, which Pagans want you to know has notoriously Pagan origins. All of those painted eggs and promiscuous bunnies are remnants of the Pagan festival of Ostara. Ostara is an ancient mystical festival with deep prehistoric roots that has something to do with rabbits screwing and laying decorated eggs. It's very mysterious and occult. Besides, Ostara and Easter are practically the same word, so Easter was clearly an idea stolen from the wise Pagans.

Likewise, Pagans don't celebrate Christmas. Of course not. Christmas is simply another example of those oppressive Christians appropriating our sacred festivals. Pagans celebrate Yule. They put up Yule trees decorated with Yule ornaments, and sing yule carols, gather for Yule feasts to exchange Yule presents, and watch traditional Yule television specials like The Year Without a Santa Claus. Really. Okay, maybe not that last part. Maybe.

Pagans enjoy Thanksgiving, but feel guilty about all of that unfortunate ancestral Native American oppression and don't identify with uptight Puritans. Pagans celebrate Mabon, which in no way is a made up holiday intended to bring the Wheel of the Year up to an even eight festivals. No way. The anchunt and seekrit festival of Mabon is a Celtic myth about the divine son of the Great Goddess who had to be rescued by Arthur and his knights through a series of adventures that involved talking to animals. Obviously, this translates into partaking in a big autumnal feast. It makes perfect sense.

Halloween is never called Halloween, regardless of how much it resembles Halloween. It it called Samhain, which, as all Pagans know, is pronounced just as it is written. Pagans are expected to dress in costume for Samhain (although, as Pagans do this everyday the distinction may be lost on some observers,) and vehemently educate the public about what REAL witches look like, which is demonstrated by their costuming. Samhain is the greatest and most sacred of Pagan festivals, and thus merits a good deal of raucous binge drinking.