Herbal Remedies

Although their festivals and worldview are often based on agricultural growth cycles very few Pagans can grow much of anything other than a houseplant. This makes the growing and use of herbs seem especially mystical. Pagans use herbs for everything from spices for food to ingredients for spells.

Should you be feeling under the weather you can ingratiate yourself to your Pagan friends by asking them for a herbal remedy. They will usually present you with some foul smelling dried herb that they want you to steep in hot water to make a tea from. You need not feel obligated to actually make said tea, rather take the herbs home, see if your cat is interested in them and if not throw them out. Go seek medical advice from an actual doctor and thank your friend later for their "wonder cure."

Pagans often burn herbs in their homes as incense to "cleanse" the area. You should never draw attention to the fact that they are actually polluting their air with smoke rather than cleaning anything.

If you are looking for a gift for a Pagan friend and mead is out of the question consider purchasing them a "grow your own herbs" kit. It is universally understood that all Pagans believe that they would make excellent gardeners if given enough free time and space. Rest assured that your gift will be treasured in its original packaging for years to come.

Advanced Pagans are noted for their extensive collection of herbal tea. You will note that when your local Pagan group has its regular moot at a coffee house at least one Pagan will make a fuss about enjoying tea rather than coffee. This is a display of social dominance, and earmarks the person in question as an Advanced Pagan. Do not attempt to engage the Advanced Pagan in a discussion about tea unless the moot is insufferably dull and you would like it to be even more so.

Mead

Like most folks Pagans enjoy a good adult beverage from time to time. But Pagan culture dictates that not just any beverage will do. No swilling of Budweiser for these unwashed masses, no sir. Give them Harp and Guinness at the very least (they are so very Celtic, after all,) or if you really want to make a Pagan happy -- and drunk -- hand them a pint of mead.

"Mead?" You ask. "Like college ruled paper?" Not at all my friend. Mead is an ancient type of wine made from honey. It was exceptionally popular among the Nordic tribes, and has gained a notable following among Pagans due in part to its popularity at Renaissance Festivals. If you have an Asatru friend he is required to make you drink mead if you express the concern that you have never done so before. This qualification is on pain of his entry into Valhalla.

Advanced Pagans often attempt to homebrew mead, as it allows them to add special herbs and other ingredients that add to the mystical allure of the sweet golden drink. Should you be presented with a bottle of this questionable homemade beverage it is considered poor form to spit your sample of the ground screaming, "For the love of Hecate, what is that ungodly swill?" Rather, a noncommittal grunt of approval is all that is required.

Pagans may become mead snobs, extolling the virtues of a Royal Polish blend to the grocery store variety. Mead makers are savvy to this and have gone so far as to market their meads under names like Viking's Blood and Camelot.

A good Pagan can drink their body weight in mead. You have probably noticed Pagans with large cast iron cauldrons in their yard filled with petunias. This is a ploy to disguise the true use of these containers, which is to quaff mead from. Drinking mead is always seen as a sacred act, even when the drinker is so many sheets to the wind that they cannot stand up. Partaking is mead is considered an inner libation to the Gods. I'll leave you to speculate on the holiness of mead that the body has processed.

Renaissance Festivals

Generally speaking, Pagans enjoy appropriating cultures and time periods to their own norms. They also enjoy dressing up in costume, Arthurian myth, bellydancing, browsing without any intention of buying, and anything vaguely Celtic (all of which will be covered in future SPCL entries). It is therefore only fitting that Pagans adore that perfect storm of all above elements, the Renaissance Festival.

Renaissance Festivals, or Ren Faires, are the pilgrimage of the modern Pagan. Pagans who barely have the motivation to regularly bathe themselves will trek across several states dressed in nicer clothes than they wore to their own wedding in order to hike around in extreme temperatures and they will pay for the priveledge.

If you have never been to a Ren Faire, try to imagine an outdoor shopping mall catering to Pagans of all persuasions where everyone is dressed like extras from that old Robin Hood movie with Errol Flynn and they all quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail while swilling large quantities of mead.

At any given Ren Faire there will be at least one young woman dressed like an Amy Brown fairy, a gentleman dressed as a Sorcerer's Apprentice style wizard, and a young man in a cloak with a pentacle the size of a dinner plate on his person. These people will happily volunteer to you that they are in fact Pagans, which may cause you, should you also identify as a Pagan, the desire to impale yourself on the nearest sharp object.

Sharp objects of the cheap and bladed variety are in abundance at the Ren Faire, so do be careful. Should you encounter anyone with more than three visible weapons on his or her person at the Ren Faire you may be dealing with an Advanced Pagan. It is best to disengage.